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BURN

i don't.

BETTER DAYS HERE I COME! THE STARS WILL KNEEL, OH YEAH! :)

BASKING

...

where do I begin and where do I go from here?

i wish i was a song right now, sad and poetic. but i'm just sad, not even angry, just sad.

jewel's on repeat. ...wanna make you near me always.
i love staring into space nowadays. good for my nerves and my heart.
the thought of not knowing terrifies me. im terrified of the future. im terrified of what else could possibly hurt this way, and what else can i not anticipate. i thought i'd rather know nothing than know the truth.

in the wee hours of the morning, coming home straight from work, i have decided that yes, it's about time i take care of me.

COLD DAY IN JULY

...

LA PEPITA

happy, tired, and productive was my sunday and monday. pepita is a project me and my friends are working on (very hard) these days. there's no turning back, not when we're having this much fun. :)

DAY ONE STEP ONE

Finally, something exciting is happening. This not-so-secret project may be (and hopefully) the answer to my prayers. :) Step one indeed.

QUEZON

Cagbalete Beach. May 15, 2010.

THURSDAY RANDOMS

• ang drama lang ng picture at quote na yan. siya na ang oa.
• i just want to stay at home and watch House MD with beer and chips on the side.
• ang saya ko kahapon dahil ng grill kami ni prince (or more of sya lang) ng liempo at tilapia). we used a very improvised grill which cost us only around 300php. these little things remind me of home so much, that's why i love it.
• nabore na naman ako kanina sa office. but the operative words are gratitude, positivism, and chill. insert music..."baby don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright."
• another lesson for the day: pag inantok ka na, matulog ka na agad. parang opportunity lang yan, you need to grab it while it's hot.
• gumawa na naman ako ng blog. ang oa lang ng title, thebadwriter, leche! mahihiya saken ang mga schizo at bad writers, in general.
• crystal bowersox for the win.
• punta akong cagbalete this weekend. sana makapag unwind ako like ive never unwind before. hah
• namimiss ko yung pamilya ko in general
• crush ko ang celphone na 6610i ba yun? ako lang ata ang working girl na walang celphone.
  
• matutulog na ako (or not)

pc: via daydreamlily

GHOST TOWN: FELT LIKE A HOT FUNNY SOUP

Loved Ghost Town. I was about ready to retire to bed when I felt like watching something "romantic-comedish". I wanted to watch High Fidelity but got tired looking for an online copy, so I picked up one of my neglected DVDs, Ghost Town.

I wanted something refreshing, love-related and funny. This movie nailed all of them in a way that I didn't expect it to. The main character will put Scrooge to shame. I love how you'll hate and love Ricky Gervais' character all through out the film. I'm not a big fan of dry humor but this one got me laughing out loud about some very nerdy, well-played out dental joke. Not my kind of humor, but it was sooo hilarious I had to replay it thrice in the middle of the film to maximize whatever there was to maximize. It spiraled from then on. I definitely enjoyed the prick that Gervais was in this film. It was pretty reminiscent of David Schwimmer's Big Nothing. It's pretty hard to find RomsComs that aren't that generic anymore. This one's unexpectedly enjoyable and endearing. I love how films have an essence of Little Miss Sunshine to them, wherein the moral is creatively weaved into the fiction, you hardly notice the smile creep down your face.

I'm a real Gervais fan now. I'm imagining the dinner-with-Richard scene again. That was really good!

HAPPY

I'm just really happy right now to have reconnected with very very dear friends. It makes me feel loved and not alone anymore. It's cheesy, but it feels sooo genuine at this point in my life. I am truly grateful.

(we'll be there, el nido!)

PC

YEAH THIS SEEMS LIKE IT...

Welcome to the real world indeed? Take me away from here...

PC: colie parks

A SLOW, FRUITFUL SUNDAY AFTERNOON

My long weekend came to a sweet end.

For the past two months now, I had another bout of emptiness because of "the routine". I had no desire whatsoever to treat myself, let alone drag myself from such a terrible terrible rut. If I had to go into the details, let me tell you I was beyond disgusting. All it took for me to finally get up and do something was a long overdue cleaning of my apartment. After I was able to breath fresh sheets and fresh air again, my mind and body became alive like it had never been before. I planned to watch movies, read books and shop during my downtime. I'm so happy I was able to do them. It has become such a rare phenomenon for me these days. And typing these words at four in the morning is like icing on a cherry red cake. Thank you.

I did some thrift shopping today in Cubao. I bought myself two pairs of everything: two nice black bags, two pairs of pants, two pairs of shoes and two nice tops. I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm underscoring these purchases because for the longest time now I feel like treating myself is such a chore. Scouring the streets of Cubao before was one of my favorite leisures. But lately, I detested the heat, the smell and the process of working my way through the crowded city. I want sooo bad to inject some life into my "real life" by feeling good about how I look, how I present myself, thinking this would then translate to feeling good about what I do, what I think and who I am. Ahh the liberty I felt this afternoon, walking and taking my sweet time and returning home with real goodies. It was sooo refreshing. I hope this feeling lasts.

I forgot how hungry I was till I entered Gateway. Instead of finding myself something to eat, another wonderful thing happened. I don't usually enter boutiques if I know I won't buy something. I just don't feel comfortable doing that, unless I'm with someone. But today, I tested every goddamn bottle in The Body Shop and left with nothing but my white and red stripe plastic bag from Ukay. It's not that cool to lug around a horrendous looking market bag. I checked out Mango just for the heck of it (again with the bag, ohhh the horror). I have this habit of wanting to look cool. However, more often than not, I look anything but. I ended up scouring four more stores, which I don't usually enter if I'm alone, and left without buying anything. Let me tell you it feels great.

I went home and decided to waste my time in Starbucks. I hate hanging out there alone too because it gets too noisy sometimes (see, I'm really sick in the head). But this time I wanted a good coffee with my smokes, so I left the house again. I just love it when I leave home because I'm tired of being home. I brought with me Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart, which I began reading two weeks ago. After three cigs and an empty cup, I finally finished reading a book after a very Very VEry VERY long time.

There I was sitting comfortably with a despicable taste in my mouth and a slight headache, thinking what transpired this afternoon and why I felt sooo sad after reading Sputnik Sweetheart.

***

This novel has really struck a chord in me. This is the second book I've read of Murakami's works and all I can remember from the first one (Norwegian Wood) was this same feeling of wistfulness. You know how it feels when you realize that you were right all along, all this time. I initially thought it would be just a bittersweet tale of lesbian love. Yes it was that and an intellectual dose of Korean/Asian love triangles, existential dialogue, nothingness and really really creepy surreal moments.

It's a story of a girl named Sumire, who fell in love with an older sophisticated woman named Miu. On the other hand, Sumire's bestfriend, who happens to be the narrator of the story, is in love with her. K, as he was referred to in the book, is a grade school teacher, lives a normal, often boring life in Tokyo. Sumire has a bohemian soul who dreams of becoming a writer. At the turn of events she abandons her goal to become Miu's personal assistant. Together, they traveled to a Greek Island where the real story unfolds.

The story is captivating and confusing at the same time, but in a good way. I particularly love the character of the narrator. Murakami has a way of telling the depth of a character in ways that echo our own lives. K is a teacher. His love for Sumire is unrequited. He has girlfriends whose role is just to fill in the gaps of his physical longings rather than his emotions. He lives his life logically by working, eating, sleeping and waking up only to start the day in the same order. He doesn't do anything about his feelings for Sumire because she is in love with another person, let alone another woman, Miu. Miu, on the other hand, likes Sumire but does not return her love. It is a cycle of unrequited-ness. Until things are shaken up when Sumire disappears out of nowhere.

This unsettling turn of events becomes a dialogue of introspection. The novel goes on to uncover their pasts as an explanation of who they are and what have they become today. It's just that it's so hard to fathom a sudden disappearance such as this that you'll only believe it if the other events of the story are just as inexplicable. Actually Murakami thrives in these techniques, which is actually riveting for me. He has a way of making me feel and think and wonder why, why and why these things happened to the characters. In the end, there's a weaving of moments, subtle at first but definitely working its way to you. I can't explain it exactly but it just strikes you. That's the beauty of it.

The story of Miu was probably the most chilling part of the novel. She lived in a Swiss town fourteen years ago and met an elderly Spaniard by the name of Ferdinando. He keeps making moves to her but she feels polluted with his presence. One day, she rode a ferris wheel and got stuck in it after the whole carnival mysteriously closed for the day. She could see her apartment from where she was sitting in the ferris wheel. She saw that Ferdinando was in her apartment making love to Her, like a doppelganger of some sort. I just love how ridiculous and disturbing this scene is. She woke up the next day with hair so white she was never the same again.

I can go on forever here, but I'm just overwhelmed by the rush of emotions I felt after reading this. I've never given Murakami that much regard before because he became everyone's favorite. I thought he was another "well-known" writer who never really lived up to his own hype. But then again, it's all a matter of taste. And this goes without saying that I'm more than pleasantly surprised. Whatever the psychological, allegorical interpretation there is for this novel, what I've read has shook me in many a powerful moments. I have tons of questions still swirling in my head and I always like it when that happens.

I remember K's (narrator) words towards the end of the novel which resonates to me real hard, "I dream. Sometimes I think that's the only right thing to do. To dream, to live in the world of dreams- just as Sumire said. But it doesn't last forever. Wakefulness always comes to take me back." I think we have all felt this at one point or another. Perhaps I have in too many instances.

"So that's how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us- that's snatched right out of our hands- even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness."

p.s. sorry i rambled on and on and on

WORDS WORDS CLICHE

keri smith's wish jar is one of my ultimate favorite blogs. when i feel uninspired and aimlessly looking for something to hold on to, i read her blog. she's an artist who has a knack for writing about things that resonates into my being. she writes about life, nature, art, mundane things and lots of LISTS. i love lists and i love her. this rebel manifesto she recently posted is a pleasant reminder about fearlessness and experimentation. it applies not only to making art but life in general. and if you know me, i love conversations like this. it's along the lines of "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger " and "this too shall pass." the reason i love quotes like this is because i'm always in constant fear of losing what's truly important in life. i end up caring too much and almost always sweating the small stuff. this constant battle with myself has me looking for in-my-face kind of inspiration. (yeah i know i'm nuts ---and uptight).

i've collected a few words from random readings online and here's what i've gathered so far...

1. let it go. aka loosen up. don't worry about the things that are not controllable. move on to the next challenge.
2. words of lulu, it's never too late to change things. if you want to dress better, then do it. dress better.
3. time wasted in pleasure is not time wasted. i forgot who said this, but oh so true. (edit:bertrand russell?)
4. stay hungry and stay foolish. i heard this from steve jobs' commencement speech in princeton. which made me cry. i know he's a genius. but the best thing i got from his speech is to work really really hard for what you want. never settling for anything less.
5. learn the fringe benefits of failure (and imagination). as j.k. rowling said, "You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default."

i know some of them are shocking, shockingly familiar. but this post is entitled cliche for a reason. it's not a cliche if it doesn't amount to some form of truth one way or another. i believe it doesn't hurt to live by these words, does it?

PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME

One of my life's simple pleasures is finding a special song from a good movie. It goes something like this:

"i was slicing up an avocado, when you came up behind me
with your quiet brand new sneakers, your reflection i did not see
it was the hottest day in august, and we were heading for the sea
for a second my mind started drifting, you put your arms around me."

jens lekman's your arms around me, carla bruni's quelqu'un m'a dit, julie delpy's waltz for a night, and chantal kreviazuk's feels like home to name a few.

it struck me how making love underwater is a struggle and a teeny bit stupid. but the way drew barrymore filmed it on Whip It is a suspension of disbelief at its finest. there is always something magical about ellen page. she reminds me of natalie portman by virtue of talent and wit and size. Whip It was the answer to my love of little-miss-sunshine-ish kind of movies.

STOP BITCHING

It's final. I just "complain" too much and "do" not much. The line has been crossed and I need to get my act together. How do I keep my mouth shut? I want to quote Lulu's words from her formspring (yikes I have some serious girl crush here):

"You should stop focusing on others. It's not productive. Focus on bettering yourself, and you'll feel better."

There's not much frou frou. The message is clear.

I need to make it clear to myself that I am there to work. Do good. Earn enough to pay the rent. Plan travel with people I love. Give some to my father. Take pictures. Learn. Develop a "sophisticated palate". Sleep well. Shop a little. Laugh a lot. Let us simplify things without making it simpler.

*** On a sidenote, Prince and I went to Baguio for a once in a blue moon vacation. It was sweet. We took lots of pictures. We ate a lot. We spent a lot. We could not ask for anything more... Maybe another vacation? La Luz anyone?

I can't stop listening to this shit. Rararararararara... Zzzzzzzz... Sometimes when I'm in the office I feel like screaming "ohhhh wooohhh ohhhhh" out of nowhere. That should make me feel better. Zzzzzzzz...

NOTHING

It's awfully quiet on here. 2010 has been off to a couch-potato start. Yup that's me. Slow but steady. Depressed at times but definitely trudging. Right now, I'm more than fine. Work is stressful but nothing unmanageable. Personal life? Too chill I can't even remember the last time I threw up. Oh yeah, I remember now. I did dream of this kind of lifestyle: slow, slow, slow. However, I didn't ask for the routine part. I can't get over this routine thing. I used to be this person who never had the time to slow down, always on the go. And now, it's proving to be very difficult to finally be on the other side of the fence. Time and time again things like this remind me how to be careful about the things I wish for, things I thought I'd never be... yada yada...

Good thing I went out Saturday night. Good thing I went shopping like I never shopped before. (yes, because now I finally mustered the courage to shop in the mall) Good thing there's supposed to be a summer get away with high school friends again. Good thing I have napkins on. Good thing we might visit Baguio soon. Good thing I finally admitted I'm such a worrywart. Oh good things!

Bad thing is this is such a lame entry. hahaha I'll lull myself to sleep watching SATC for a change.

HAHAHAHA

“ They had come to me in the beginning and said, “We want you to do these interviews and stuff for these magazines,” and I said, “What magazines?” And they said, “Sixteen! Teen Beat! Teen Dream! Teen Poop! Teen Piss! Teen Shit! - Johnny Depp

LOVE

jen kao

i was reading lulu's formspring and she mentioned these. i want these. maybe i need to start saving up for the good stuff.

NEED TO

uggghh. Too much stress at work. Hmmm how do I de-stress?

My voice is failing me and I'm failing it too. I want something black and shiny with lots of pockets a.k.a. a leather jacket. I lusted for this Topshop number a few months ago. It was just the right size with all the right bling. It was too perfect. Except that at that time 4k was a bit too much. It's still a bit too much for my usual splurges, but god how I wish I bought it then.

I want to eat porkchop today. With tomatoes, why not?

I'm sick and tired of waiting for Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart to admit they're together. I know right? These two sum up all my showbiz fix. I don't even know why I care. Sheesh. Embarrassing. Their fashionspot thread is the second most visited site on my favorites list.

I want soft curls.

Listening to "Eyes" by Rogue Wave over and over again.

Please let this be my room.

WINTER

When you gonna make up your mind. Like a moth to a flame, I can't help but be insanely lured to Tori Amos' music. If I could listen to one artist for the rest my life, without a doubt, it would be her. There are no words to describe as to how much I admire this woman. I remember the first time I came across her music. It was during an insanely emotional moment in my life. My first heartbreak. I was a point where everything seemed so wrong yet so right. (yikuuu) Hearing her songs helped me get through the fragile days of my college life. As years went by, I'm still amazed at how I rediscover the beauty and the passion in her music. This just brought me to tears. I love you, Tori.

NY I LOVE YOU

After much anticipation, I finally watched New York, I Love You. I liked the film. But no doubt I liked Paris, Je T'aime way more than New York, I Love You. The former was just more emotional, more free-flowing. NYILY was a bit too calculated for my taste. It had some wonderful moments but it left me wanting to watch Paris, Je'Taime again. I suddenly remembered the mimes, the vampires, the gay sequence, the dying wife, the father-daughter and the old divorced couple. Paris, Je T'aime felt like a fresh basket of fruits and veggies. New York, I Love You, on the other hand, I hate to say, was just okay.

Probably the most striking story in the bunch was Shia LaBeouf and Julie Christie's segment. It was directed by Shekhar Kapur and written by Anthony Minghella. Probably the only one that stood out (which maybe good since it's remarkable and bad in the sense that it doesn't fit smoothly into the total selection) as it portrays a woman's innuendos of suicide, death or a memory of both, which then left me with questions as who or what exactly just happened. Shia's performance was quite impressive. I love the whole mise-en-scene where the white curtains are billowing coldly into Julie Christie's room, while she herself is dressed in this pristine, white gown, holding a bouquet of violets. An operatic voice could be heard in the background, which seals such a melancholic air into this seemingly quiet hotel. I just loved it.

Apart from that, I enjoyed Yvan Attal's segment starring Ethan Hawke and Maggie Q, Brett Ratner's "prom story" starring Olivia Thirlby, and also Joshua Marston's "old couple" segment starring Eli Wallach and Cloris Leachman. The first one caught my attention because of the dialogue; the second one's twist was good enough because it made me google what method acting really is; and lastly, old couple story just makes up pretty nicely for the "slice-of-life" kind of short. I wasn't really a fan of the videographer who was supposed to meld all the sequences together. It just pushed the contrived factor too much.

I would be interested to see a Tokyo, Rome (any Italian city actually), Shanghai, Moscow I Love You (or I Hate You) series next!

IM OUT OF WORDS