...

where do I begin and where do I go from here?

i wish i was a song right now, sad and poetic. but i'm just sad, not even angry, just sad.

jewel's on repeat. ...wanna make you near me always.
i love staring into space nowadays. good for my nerves and my heart.
the thought of not knowing terrifies me. im terrified of the future. im terrified of what else could possibly hurt this way, and what else can i not anticipate. i thought i'd rather know nothing than know the truth.

in the wee hours of the morning, coming home straight from work, i have decided that yes, it's about time i take care of me.

COLD DAY IN JULY

...

LA PEPITA

happy, tired, and productive was my sunday and monday. pepita is a project me and my friends are working on (very hard) these days. there's no turning back, not when we're having this much fun. :)

DAY ONE STEP ONE

Finally, something exciting is happening. This not-so-secret project may be (and hopefully) the answer to my prayers. :) Step one indeed.

THURSDAY RANDOMS

• ang drama lang ng picture at quote na yan. siya na ang oa.
• i just want to stay at home and watch House MD with beer and chips on the side.
• ang saya ko kahapon dahil ng grill kami ni prince (or more of sya lang) ng liempo at tilapia). we used a very improvised grill which cost us only around 300php. these little things remind me of home so much, that's why i love it.
• nabore na naman ako kanina sa office. but the operative words are gratitude, positivism, and chill. insert music..."baby don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright."
• another lesson for the day: pag inantok ka na, matulog ka na agad. parang opportunity lang yan, you need to grab it while it's hot.
• gumawa na naman ako ng blog. ang oa lang ng title, thebadwriter, leche! mahihiya saken ang mga schizo at bad writers, in general.
• crystal bowersox for the win.
• punta akong cagbalete this weekend. sana makapag unwind ako like ive never unwind before. hah
• namimiss ko yung pamilya ko in general
• crush ko ang celphone na 6610i ba yun? ako lang ata ang working girl na walang celphone.
  
• matutulog na ako (or not)

pc: via daydreamlily

HAPPY

I'm just really happy right now to have reconnected with very very dear friends. It makes me feel loved and not alone anymore. It's cheesy, but it feels sooo genuine at this point in my life. I am truly grateful.

(we'll be there, el nido!)

PC

STOP BITCHING

It's final. I just "complain" too much and "do" not much. The line has been crossed and I need to get my act together. How do I keep my mouth shut? I want to quote Lulu's words from her formspring (yikes I have some serious girl crush here):

"You should stop focusing on others. It's not productive. Focus on bettering yourself, and you'll feel better."

There's not much frou frou. The message is clear.

I need to make it clear to myself that I am there to work. Do good. Earn enough to pay the rent. Plan travel with people I love. Give some to my father. Take pictures. Learn. Develop a "sophisticated palate". Sleep well. Shop a little. Laugh a lot. Let us simplify things without making it simpler.

*** On a sidenote, Prince and I went to Baguio for a once in a blue moon vacation. It was sweet. We took lots of pictures. We ate a lot. We spent a lot. We could not ask for anything more... Maybe another vacation? La Luz anyone?

NOTHING

It's awfully quiet on here. 2010 has been off to a couch-potato start. Yup that's me. Slow but steady. Depressed at times but definitely trudging. Right now, I'm more than fine. Work is stressful but nothing unmanageable. Personal life? Too chill I can't even remember the last time I threw up. Oh yeah, I remember now. I did dream of this kind of lifestyle: slow, slow, slow. However, I didn't ask for the routine part. I can't get over this routine thing. I used to be this person who never had the time to slow down, always on the go. And now, it's proving to be very difficult to finally be on the other side of the fence. Time and time again things like this remind me how to be careful about the things I wish for, things I thought I'd never be... yada yada...

Good thing I went out Saturday night. Good thing I went shopping like I never shopped before. (yes, because now I finally mustered the courage to shop in the mall) Good thing there's supposed to be a summer get away with high school friends again. Good thing I have napkins on. Good thing we might visit Baguio soon. Good thing I finally admitted I'm such a worrywart. Oh good things!

Bad thing is this is such a lame entry. hahaha I'll lull myself to sleep watching SATC for a change.

NEED TO

uggghh. Too much stress at work. Hmmm how do I de-stress?

My voice is failing me and I'm failing it too. I want something black and shiny with lots of pockets a.k.a. a leather jacket. I lusted for this Topshop number a few months ago. It was just the right size with all the right bling. It was too perfect. Except that at that time 4k was a bit too much. It's still a bit too much for my usual splurges, but god how I wish I bought it then.

I want to eat porkchop today. With tomatoes, why not?

I'm sick and tired of waiting for Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart to admit they're together. I know right? These two sum up all my showbiz fix. I don't even know why I care. Sheesh. Embarrassing. Their fashionspot thread is the second most visited site on my favorites list.

I want soft curls.

Listening to "Eyes" by Rogue Wave over and over again.

Please let this be my room.

WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS

hello blog! long time no blog!

The December wind is here again. Belated happy birthday prince. Yesterday, we went out and watched A Christmas Carol. We found it just okay. Is that a good thing? That's not good. Technically, it was screaming "beautiful" to my senses. Unfortunately, I was sleepy half way through. Probably because of the donuts. But then we also had coffee. It's weird having coffee while watching a movie.

On another note, I'm the sweetest girlfriend. We've been together for three years now and I haven't given him a gift. Save for the time I gave him cash (yes, cash?!) so that he could buy this old school gaming console. Ninang much? I'm too sweet right? I feel filthy each and everytime. But I can't elaborate on that right now.

It's been more than a week of adjustment at work. I was recently assigned to the night shift, which became my biggest source of stress for the past week. This is the fruit of my labor. To put it simply, when you give your best shot (in my company at least) at work, you'll end up working in the night shift. Isn't that the sweetest thing too? To top it off, I was figuratively alone in this endeavor. My buddies were still dayshifters. I was alone. It was like the first day of work all over again. Much worse, first day in school in a foreign country. I was six all over again.

After a week filled with unbelievable perseverance, I'm still trudging this unfavorable turn of events. I have a whole lot of "me-time" these days. Not that I have me-time because of my own choice but me-time because I don't have company during my wake time.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me. Right now, I just want to be. Panic Room and crabs, here we come.

THOUGHTS

• i just watched the latest episode of how i met your mother. i'm sad that robin and barney broke up. really sad. (paka-arte pweh)
• this morning, out of nowhere, i missed the face of gemma ward. i ended up watching too many videos of her. and did i mention too many pictures?
  
• i just had a phone conversation with papa. i'm worried about him having nightmares. i'm used to having nightmares all the time. i'm so used to it that i'm not fazed by it anymore. i told him he just needs to wash his face after the first instance. that should do the trick. but i'm seriously worried.
• work life has been so so sooo zzzzzzzzz... i have mixed feelings at work. my job is seriously too "chill" to be true. we were given almost two weeks paid off for christmas (a first time in my entire work history) and just today, it was announced we could all take our leaves for the remaining days before the official holiday week. seriously? how creepy is that? maybe i'm just used to things not going my way. not complaining lord.
  
• laptop is off the christmas list. i'm preoccupied as to how i would celebrate christmas with just me and my father. i need some kind of wonderful before december 22. and i need to download the brothers four concert.
  
• where have all my money gone?
  
• i hate mood swings. especially on me.
  

ONE POST A DAY

i told myself to post one post a day. just one post a day. it's so frustrating when the only reason I open my blog is to check my blog links. i might as well name it my favorites. so much has happened and yet i've got so little urgency to write and update this thing. i had my birthday, watched the september issue, bought coffee table books, watched julia & julie, thought deep about being soooo damn competitive in everything i do, bought the sartorialist book, slacked off at work, drank three days straight and right now, enjoying regular employee life. boring. my friends and i had a drink a few weeks ago and we realized we had nothing exciting to share or to talk about. it's just amazing how boring we have become. i couldn't possibly be "all said and done mode" at age 23. but then i guess we were just really a bunch of people who always (always) wanted something more. who doesn't right?

b: raspberry swirl

w: hala nostalgic!

me: ui bench? very high school.

b: naman. gusto ko yung amuy nito parang mapapangiti ka lang.

me: meron din akong kalevel nyan na gusto nung high school, yung parang amuy baby ka. sa penshoppe yun e.

w: smells like baby. amuy baby ka jan.

me: hahaha

w: uu gusto ko rin yun. pati yung kiwi something ba yun ng bench. or penshoppe?

b: may gusto din ako sa penshoppe dati. (may dinescribe na parang sa bench na cologne)

w/me: baka sa bench yan? anu ba yan.

me: or baka sa benchshoppe?

(not verbatim but something to that effect. we were trying our best to say something.)

I'M BACK

Yehey! Monitor? Check!

Finally, a decent (in fact more than decent) Samsung monitor in the house. I couldn't ask for more. Hmmm...except (perhaps) for a good cpu to match or my laptop back? Mwahahahahaha

I missed the internet at home so bad I thought I wouldn't last. But as always, things were bound to happen in ways that we least expect it to. With the internet gone, I was more productive. I was productive in cleaning my apartment before leaving for work, I was more productive in reading tons and tons of magazines which have been sitting in my shelves for months, and I was even more productive getting tons of decent sleep which I haven't done in a long time. Heck I'm off to bed as early as 10pm for three straight weeks now (except weekends of course). Save for frequent unhealthy food and cigarettes, I'm quite a normal person now.

It's been a very long week for me and I'm dying to get some serious relaxation this weekend. Thank you for the blessings Lord. Thank you.

GIDDY

etc

...i might just cross out one item in my bucket list. yihaaa
...i can't sleep just thinking about it.
...feeling unsure what would come up next.
...adjusting slowly but surely.

ahhhhhhhh

WEEKEND

I wish I could show pictures instead.

• Last Saturday: Banuk, Agnes, Cee, and I watched UP Rep's Hello Philippines. I wanted to watch nothing but funny on stage and well, I certainly got what I wanted. In the middle of the play, I thought of writing down all my favorite lines but I knew I'd end up writing everything. "Sinong bakla dito ha? Sino bakla?... chuchupain ko!" "Bago na ang social hierarchy ngayon noh: bakla, lalaki, babae, at...TOMBOY!" "Eh babae pa rin yung tomboy ah!" "Oh sya babaguhin ko: bakla, lalaki, babae, tomboy... H1N1 victims! (sabay dura)" "You are sooo cheap, you could be sold at the generics pharmacy!" Hahaahaha Winner talaga ang mga linya. The play was written by Abet Cruz.
• Last Sunday: Prince and I watched "Up" and "The Time Traveler's Wife". We should have watched Up in 3D instead of watching The Time Traveler's Wife. The latter was a bore. Up was really good. You'll cry, you'll laugh and be all so cute in a good way. I am amazed by how Pixar does it all the time. Even their short films, which are usually shown before their main features, are always interesting and humorous. As I was watching Up, I couldn't help but think about my dad as Mr. Frederickson. Fortunately, I didn't think myself as Russell. Lol. My favorite part was the first scene with the young, perhaps 1940ish, Mr Frederickson watching the cinema with the cutest reactions ever. At the end of the day, we were debating whether a square-faced old man is cuter than a long-faced one. I think the square face balances the grumpy and lovable side of an old man. Haha What the? Favorite Russell line: "Sometimes it's the boring stuff I remember the most". True.
  
• Last night: Watched Miss Universe clips on youtube. I miss the days when my mom and I used to wait and watch all night for every Miss Universe pageant. Those were the days when she kept telling me about the "x" factor, which at that time, meant having something fugly like a crooked teeth, extra large eyes, weird smile etc. Sayang at natalo si Miss Manalo.
  

MAKING LIFE SIMPLER

...at any age, you can reinvent your life, that at every age you can be open, engaged, radiant and passionate. Sophisticated and natural. And be quite the dish too! - Garance Dore

Just like any other day, I'm browsing my favorite blogs and every so often I find a quote or two that rings true to me. I decided to take note of them in my attempt to rejuvenate my daily life with thoughts I need to remember and replace those I need to forget.

I am happy to have finally emailed my boss, Matt, about quitting online work. I was putting off this whole resignation drama because I really didn't want to quit my online job. It's weird because I am stressed in that job but I quite like it. I like it in the sense that I am challenged (stressed is the better word I guess) and it would be cool to see my output online. But since I got my job in CIQ, I knew I had to give it up. Sometimes I think 24 hours is really too short for a day. If only I had more time, I would continue working for Matt. But because I vowed to be more decisive, I decided to move forward.

Everyday I try to take things one step at a time. I have been consciously reminding myself things like just go to work, have fun, have fun again, do your best, and relax afterwards. I'm thinking maybe by keeping things simple, worries and doubts will also become simpler.

Lastly, I'll post another quote just because this is exactly what I have experienced today. Giving up things you need to give up even if you don't want to. I'm sorry I'm all about quotes lately. haha

http://etc-alltherest.blogspot.com/ - thank you so much for all the quotes

FIRST DAY FUNK

Where do I start? There's so much to tell and I am so inarticulate. But I'll give it a try for the sake of documentation.

I started work today for a company we shall nickname "the finance". For the first time in my working life I didn't know what to expect. As in literally no expectation save for the part where people introduce themselves and say something superficial just to let your colleagues know a bit about you. I kind of hate that part because the only thing I usually talk about is my name and how come it's unique blah blah sheesh. After some time you just get tired of changing companies and building connections, reputations, and friendships all over again.

I knew I wasn't in a call center company anymore so at the very least I'm thinking I was able to achieve something. However as the day wore on, it became clear to me that this is another one of those instances where I say to myself: "what have I gotten into?" Don't get me wrong. "The finance" is by far one of the best companies I've ever been to for the longest time. Their selection process is really tough and I do realize I'm lucky to be one of the 13 out of the 150 (more or less) people who passed their stringent screening process. Isn't that something I should be happy about? I am, but somewhere inside me was again haunting and poking me into thinking otherwise. Why can't I just be contented?

There was no lax moment during the day. After the orientation, we were immediately immersed into the finance world. What do I know about finance? It was a bit like Spanish to me. Blur there blur everywhere yet you still say "si". After an hour of discussing earnings calls, I felt light headed and my back was aching like a tree just fell on my shoulders. I was overwhelmed by the tasks and expectations. We were supposed to be voice writers, scopists, editors, and publishers all at the same time. They call it quad core. It was reiterated several times that the job was indeed challenging. We transcribe, edit, and finalize all the transcripts with utmost precision as possible. I feel confident about my skill sets coming into this job which makes me nervous because I don't want to disappoint myself. I am a competitive person. The trainer said it's rare to find "quad core" people. I want to be that rare breed. But everytime I try to immerse myself deep into the task silly thoughts corrupt my concentration. Thoughts of "is this really what I want?", "is it really that important to pursue what I want rather than what I already have?", "am I in the right place at this point in my life?" and "am I wasting my time despite the fact that this is one of the best opportunities I've had for quite sometime now?"

They say we should always be thankful for every job opportunity that's given to us. On the other hand some people say that by doing what you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life. At this point I was sitting in my cubicle analyzing financial statements, balance sheets, and earnings calls but at the end of the day I couldn't take my eyes off the pink shift dress and luscious lips ad I saw on my seatmate's magazine. Grrrr...

FRESHNESS

It's not too often that I talk about freshness, but for some reason I woke up really refreshed today. Hence I feel like Aimee Mann's Wise Up all over again. Lovely.

A few days ago I read Jason Mraz's Freshness Factor Five Thousand and I must say he's an "uplifter". The man is just inspiring. I am a semi fan of his music but a total sucker of his passion for music and life philosophy. He has this Q&A portion in his blog where his fans can ask him questions and he answers them in ways that are unimaginably witty, honest, and inspiring.

*(Name of Fan)MintsOnPillows@ dives in with: Whats the deepest philosophical belief that’s helped you the most?
*(Jason Mraz)Row, Row, Row your Boat
Gently, down the stream
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily
Life is But a Dream

...If you missed the philosophy in that, I encourage you to slow your boat and read it again.

I think it perfectly makes sense. Probably my favorite song by him is Please Don't Tell Her and Remedy. Read his blog and you'll see what I'm talking about.

BEAUTY

You are the goddess, so start treating yourself accordingly. Get your hair and nails done, take long baths, wear great perfume. Do whatever it is that makes you feel amazing. You have to pamper yourself, because nobody else is going to do it for you. Start adoring yourself. Love yourself from inside out, and slowly but surely you will become comfortable on that pedestal, and you will exude the kind of confidence that others admire. And what you wear up on that pedestal matters. Sweatsuits just won't do. I promise you, a great dress or a stunning skirt will make you feel much more "spotlight worthy," and others will see you that way too.

Nina Garcia (The Little Black Book of Style)

Last night, I had a few drinks with some of my girlfriends. We came to a point where we were discussing our personal perceptions of beauty. One friend mentioned the "celebrity effect" exuded by the alta sociedad. We are talking about headturners who are particularly conspicuous amidst a crowd because they either have a.) a beautiful face b.) really good skin c.) and/or nice clothes. Usually it's all of the above. This friend says she secretly wonders if people feel that way towards her. Hahaha. Forgive our self-centered notions. But all this talk of turning heads led us to discuss what it is that makes us feel beautiful. Another friend just confidently assured us it's all a matter of confidence (again original huh?). You just have to believe you are beautiful (and obviously she does) and others will think so too. I argued by poking through a more realistic confession that I think we all feel ugly at one point or another whenever we see ourselves beside these " rich headturners". We're talking about the oily face here, the history of the pimples, and the unkempt hair. My friend fondly replied that if we ever feel that way why not go to the slum areas where we can ultimately see whose the unfortunate and finally stop all these nonsense.

But then, seriously, what makes a person beautiful? My take on this is definitely not about the physical beauty. I have a pretty concrete idea of who I think is beautiful or not. I think it all boils down to the whole package. The "dating". No matter how many times you might have heard it, it's not all about the physical attributes (yeah I hear you, a beautiful nose and long legs won't hurt). The attitude that a person exudes is what makes her beautiful. I usually find myself looking at people who seem to dress for themselves. Those who make a statement in their style choices. They seem to be very interesting people. I think that's what my mom used to tell me. It's about the X factor. The one thing that sets you apart from other people. And if you think about this X factor, it just means being who you really are. Dressing up in what makes you feel happy makes a whole lot of difference.

It's interesting how Nina Garcia also pointed out in her book that people who are confident about themselves are intelligent people. I don't mean to be superficial here, but is this not the truth? I do feel the same way about people who look well and dress well. Embracing your own beauty and being sure about your style choices makes you a beautiful person. These kinds of people become interesting, alluring and powerful all at the same time. Scott Schuman's The Sartorialist and almost all other street style photographers capture this kind of style and beauty. The editors of French Vogue are the ultimate examples of an exuberant confidence. Kate Moss is my favorite inspiration for the word beautiful. This is closely followed by my favorite female musicians. There are a lot more that I admire but it will then make this list forever.

At the end of the day, the quote above should be added to the "daily reminders" corner.

P.S. This was all triggered by my desire to buy a copy of The Sartorialist's upcoming coffee table book.

MY BUCKET LIST

I've thought of creating one before but I never got around to starting my own "things-to-do-in-my-lifetime-list". So here goes.

1. Go to Paris.
2. Have my own walk in closet.
3. Own a DSLR and do photography for fun.
4. Work in a magazine.
5. Go to Bora.
6. Eat Japanese cuisine in a real Japanese restaurant.
7. Eat French cuisine in a real French restaurant.
8. Eat Italian cuisine in a real Italian restaurant.
9. Read at least 50 of the books in this booklist I found.
10. Watch old French films.
11. Own a Macintosh.
12. Travel with my dad.
13. Own at least 50 pairs of shoes.
14. Sport a really funky hairstyle.
15. Watch a random play in CCP.
16. Treat myself to a health spa.
17. Learn to cook at least one dish.
18. Visit New York.
19. Go to Baguio.
20. Learn at least one foreign language.
21. Give my sisters' gifts that they'll love.
22. Sleep on my own wooden bed with white sheets and white pillows.
    
23. Give my mom an expensive gift.
24. Write an original short story.
25. Finish reading the books on my shelf.
26. Vacation in Sagada.
27. Buy a designer piece of clothing.
28. Collect autobiographies.
    

This list will be updated from time to time. I'll add some more and hopefully cross them out one by one. I know some of them are outrageous and way too ambitious but then again we're talking about a lifetime here, you know. Some are kind of "really? you have never been to Baguio?". And that is exactly why I made this list. ^_^

LAST UPDATED: MAR21 2010